Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
