Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
