I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
