I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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