i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
