i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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