Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
