The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
