My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
