new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
