Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
