a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
