i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
