people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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