If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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