He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need to sanitize my soul.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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