I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
