At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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