When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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