Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
