You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
