Duck Duck Cougar?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
