Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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