he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
