Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
