The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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