apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
two words...techno handjob
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
