clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
