party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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