she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm just crazy horny about you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
