just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize