You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
