you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize