A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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