I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
