she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
