why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
