I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
