If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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