mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
40s are totally the cure
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
