A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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