I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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