how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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