I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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