THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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