Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
