Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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