Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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