he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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