I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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