I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
