i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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