my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
