if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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