i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
