Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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