I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
